Viewpoint -- How To Survive Worst-Case Scenarios
Like many media outlets, IndustryWeek gets its fair share of books from publishers hoping for coverage of said books. Sometimes the books are set aside for future reference, donated to the local library or reviewed in the magazine if they seem worthwhile for our readers. Other times they act as fodder for columns like this one. The latest book to cross my desk: "The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Work" (2003, Chronicle Books). Being familiar with the original Worst-Case Scenario book -- the one that made me go out and buy a gadget to break my car window in case my car and I ever become submerged in water -- and having just played "The Worst-Case Scenario" game at a party, I was curious what the authors of the book knew about the workplace. The teaser on the cover didn't hurt either. It read, "How To: disguise a tattoo, deal with a nightmare boss, restore a shredded document and sneak out of a meeting." While I never would dream of sneaking out of a meeting, I have thought about disguising my tattoos (bored college students and beer can spell trouble). For that alone I opened the book. Flipping through its pages, I came across some humorous advice for IW readers: For example, in the chapter, "How to Get a Job You're Not Qualified For," there is a section about landing a CEO position. While some employees may feel that their CEO is not qualified for the job, I hardly think the tips in this book would enable a high-school dropout to slip into a high-level position -- or would they? You be the judge. The tips include: Attire:
- Navy or beige suit, white shirt and a solid or wide-striped tie
- Expensive-looking watch
- Shined shoes
- Leather portfolio
- Ultra-expensive fountain pen
- Cigar clipper
- Putter (collapsible)
- Credit cards and large bills -- no coins, or bills smaller than $20.
- Gross margin (the difference between sales revenue and the cost of goods sold)
- Book value (the value of all assets)
- EBITDA (earnings before interest, taxes, depreciation and amortization)
- When asked about your hiring strategy, say, "To hire people smarter than I am." Presidents like hearing this -- it makes them trust you.
- Always negotiate for a higher salary and better benefits than offered -- presidents will be more comfortable placing the business in the hands of a bulldog.
- Clean T-shirt
- Work boots
- Baseball cap
- Loafers or flip-flops
- Necktie
- Collared shirts other than flannel
- Lunch box/cooler
- Cigarettes or chew
- Multipurpose tool on belt
- A fork has a transmission selector (forward, reverse, neutral), steering wheel, parking brake, and accelerator and brake pedals.
- Since most people who operate forklifts are not licensed to do so, don't worry that you do not have a license to show.